


Beach Curls

by JohnnieTheNB



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Depression, I'm Sorry, Longing, M/M, Pining, Suicidal Thoughts, aching, and all the other shit, it's just a fact, jimmy kent is a little bitch, this probably isn't that good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26148175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnnieTheNB/pseuds/JohnnieTheNB
Summary: The night after The Incident, as he'll come to refer to it in his mind, Thomas is alone in his room. He has time to do some thinking.
Relationships: Thomas Barrow/Jimmy Kent
Kudos: 27





	Beach Curls

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning!! Thomas having suicidal thoughts. Again, please accept my apologies-- Okay. Thank u enjoy. Idk I'm kind of out of it.

It’s dark in Thomas’ room. Darker than anywhere else in the house. It always is. It’s soothing in a way— it makes him feel like he’s in a void— a black hole that’s sucked everything in the universe in except for him. There’s nothing left to suck out of him.

He may as well be dead. He may as well just _die _. He’ll go to hell like everyone tells him. There’s no way any feeling can be any worse than what he’s feeling already.__

___Jimmy. ____ _

____Thomas doesn’t want to breathe, doesn’t want to _think _, doesn’t want to think about him, about—___ _ _ _

______And it’s all flooding back, like a great, fragile dam that holds Thomas’ feelings back burst and his whole mind and body and soul are flooded with images of him and his beach curls and his ocean eyes and his shiny grin and his button nose and—_ _ _ _ _ _

______Thomas jams the bases of his palms into his eyes until he sees patters and pinpricks of lights on the backs of his eyelids. He’s too tired to cry, he’s too overstimulated too sleep, and he’s too worthless to do anything else. He can’t fight anymore. There’s no fight left in him._ _ _ _ _ _

_______God, _wouldn’t it be nice just to be dead and numb and in the ground, 6 feet of earth between Thomas and the rest of everyone.__ _ _ _ _ _ _

________To be away from it forever._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________To loose Jimmy and his beach curls._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________But Jimmy doesn’t want him, and he has to remind himself of that every time he thinks like this, every time he thinks like this. He repeats it in his head to himself like a mantra, stabbing into himself with every word, because it’s not working if it doesn’t hurt_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

_________But he doesn’t want me, he doesn’t want me, he doesn’t want me, and I am nothing if I am nothing to him, he is everything, he is the reason I am here and hurting and broken, and I still want him more than anything, I still love him, I love him, I love him, and I’ll always love him, and he will never want me. ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and Comments always appreciated <33


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